Sand Castle

Barely walk straight, my mind is mindless…. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep nor I can’t think…empty!

I feel hollow and empty inside me. My tears flow along with the unstoppable nasal fluid…yes, I’m hurt…DEEPLY. No one can confide me but one.

I had this before. It was bad but this is worse. If one asked me if I’m OK...I just cry….I can’t talk..so I blog..to lift it off my chest….hope this will help

God, please HELP me!

To 'OK' or 'Not to OK'

For many days, weeks and months, I’ve been posting motivation quotes and love at my facebook wall…to get positive vibes in me…believing and sowing spirit of love and peace in me. I have been drilling ‘I’m OK’ all the time, thinking of his word that he’s OK at all aspect I took. How am I supposed to hang on with the OK-ness when my partner is not open to me?

There were no ‘I miss you’, ‘I love you’ or even a ‘thank you’ notes with every shower and gifts I gave him…my soul and mind are always restless…always about him all day long. Am I obsessive? I yearn to have him longing for me…like he used to be…like we used to be

Though we both are busy with our daily tasks and job, surely not everyday our fire is being douse with monotonous of ‘nothingness’? When is ‘OK’ is actually ‘Not OK’? When everything I do and I gave all caved in…that he’s ‘OK’ if I’m OK and ‘Not OK’. What tells me, he is not moved and makes no effort at all to build back what we have lost? Was it in a man’s ego?

All I am feeling now are the pain, lost and confusion.

My friends advised me to move on and I am still holding on to his words, believing when he said that I am the only one he wanted...I love him, still (with some disappointment). He doesn't owe me anything but some explanation ~

Still water..trouble water

Listening to Foster the People, the ‘Waste’…to start my day with.

I’ve been thinking a lot of late...A LOT! I know I’m not ok since I’m easily agitated or cry…you may put me as spiritually restless. I am still looking for answers…’Justification’, ‘my purpose’ and ‘God’.

I am very much like my late grandma…quiet, resilient, hard working and able endure whatever shit that’s been given or treated…and lonely. Everyone loves her as she was like a savior and an angel to us (her grand children). But now, I’m looking at it from a different angle…perhaps walking the distance like her…deep in me, there is anger, dissatisfaction, unjust …whatever negatives dying to erupt…the only words that came out first was/is ‘Why me? Why me, God?’

To refrain from getting hurt, she rather live alone and independent. She has abundance of love and kindness, however, not much was in return. By voicing it out, meaning she would be taken as insincere in her offerings and kindness. I am beginning to face the same effect. And I don’t want to die (one day) when my soul still looking for answers and thinking of, why I did not DO something?

I don’t want to hurt anyone but please please don’t hurt me… T_T

Perhaps there's someone who can turn me around, treat me better and save me. Amen!