My heart is crying

I don't know when I'm going to get over this. Trying to pull myself out of the blue. Been crying since last week. No, not that I'm crying like mad and all the time. My heart is crying ever since I got the news from my doctor. I'm trying to get better...diligently take my medication everyday...to be nearer to god...spiritually towards positive thinking...and spend more time with my beloved family and friends. The circle I've made that I'm looking after, perhaps a solution to one obstacle in my life. I'm determine to go further than that. But my heart is crying still. It is like I'm breaking into two. The good and the bad. In me, I know I'm fighting so hard. I look fine and happy but if you see at the corners of my eyes there are trickle of tears. If I personally touch someone, my tears will just flow out. Like when I talked with my lady boss recently about my job, my personal life and work, my family, my friends, my new interest, my health, about me and her...like I'm missing something. She handed me tissues when she saw me trying hard to hold back my tears but I just grabbed her and hugged her. Actually trying to tell her how I missed those days' friendship. I've shun myself too long whatever friends and family around me. Yet I'm not looking back anymore. Told her I'm moving along fine with my new interest and hopefully I see the light in that direction.

All these...I think the word is FREEDOM. I don't want to get involve nor attache. I just want to GIVE to anyone whom I trust and sincere and respect me as what I am today. When I'm free, I realise I can go further. I think better. I work better. I decide better and I'm happy that way. I see the world a different way...more giving and better living. I have no worries.

But deep inside me my heart is still crying. Why Yuna? Any sad news..I'll cry. The quiet kind of crying. Any mishap, I'll cry. Others who are in pain, I'll cry. I just pause and look at the people I care, I'll cry. Any sad songs, I'll cry. Why Yuna? But you won't see me crying. It's my heart. That is the bad part of me I think. Still struggling. When your heart is not where it should be...I think that is trouble. I don't know what it is, like no Machalania wood is going to calm me neither Tidus' kiss. What is it? I think the answer is with god. I must find that answer. Maybe here on earth at present, I see the light but the afterlife? Is that the reason my heart is still crying?

I really have no answer.........