Sand Castle

Barely walk straight, my mind is mindless…. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep nor I can’t think…empty!

I feel hollow and empty inside me. My tears flow along with the unstoppable nasal fluid…yes, I’m hurt…DEEPLY. No one can confide me but one.

I had this before. It was bad but this is worse. If one asked me if I’m OK...I just cry….I can’t talk..so I blog..to lift it off my chest….hope this will help

God, please HELP me!

To 'OK' or 'Not to OK'

For many days, weeks and months, I’ve been posting motivation quotes and love at my facebook wall…to get positive vibes in me…believing and sowing spirit of love and peace in me. I have been drilling ‘I’m OK’ all the time, thinking of his word that he’s OK at all aspect I took. How am I supposed to hang on with the OK-ness when my partner is not open to me?

There were no ‘I miss you’, ‘I love you’ or even a ‘thank you’ notes with every shower and gifts I gave him…my soul and mind are always restless…always about him all day long. Am I obsessive? I yearn to have him longing for me…like he used to be…like we used to be

Though we both are busy with our daily tasks and job, surely not everyday our fire is being douse with monotonous of ‘nothingness’? When is ‘OK’ is actually ‘Not OK’? When everything I do and I gave all caved in…that he’s ‘OK’ if I’m OK and ‘Not OK’. What tells me, he is not moved and makes no effort at all to build back what we have lost? Was it in a man’s ego?

All I am feeling now are the pain, lost and confusion.

My friends advised me to move on and I am still holding on to his words, believing when he said that I am the only one he wanted...I love him, still (with some disappointment). He doesn't owe me anything but some explanation ~

Still water..trouble water

Listening to Foster the People, the ‘Waste’…to start my day with.

I’ve been thinking a lot of late...A LOT! I know I’m not ok since I’m easily agitated or cry…you may put me as spiritually restless. I am still looking for answers…’Justification’, ‘my purpose’ and ‘God’.

I am very much like my late grandma…quiet, resilient, hard working and able endure whatever shit that’s been given or treated…and lonely. Everyone loves her as she was like a savior and an angel to us (her grand children). But now, I’m looking at it from a different angle…perhaps walking the distance like her…deep in me, there is anger, dissatisfaction, unjust …whatever negatives dying to erupt…the only words that came out first was/is ‘Why me? Why me, God?’

To refrain from getting hurt, she rather live alone and independent. She has abundance of love and kindness, however, not much was in return. By voicing it out, meaning she would be taken as insincere in her offerings and kindness. I am beginning to face the same effect. And I don’t want to die (one day) when my soul still looking for answers and thinking of, why I did not DO something?

I don’t want to hurt anyone but please please don’t hurt me… T_T

Perhaps there's someone who can turn me around, treat me better and save me. Amen!

Wedges & Yong Tow Foo

Last week, I went shopping for shoes…I love wedges but not just any kind of wedge shoes. I’m particular about the style, colors and cuts besides the comfort. There's nothing as cute as and supportive as a wedge heel. Contrary to beliefs wedge shoes do support your full foot unlike heels that put strain on your heels, ankles and sometimes, toes. Wedges also support the arch of your foot as long as you are wearing the proper size shoe.

Mid Valley, Kuala Lumpur shopping mall, I REALLY love going there. Once I step in, my mind will be thinking of food… :D There are so many food operators, fast food and restaurants at every floor. Parking is cheap too…

‘honey im at mv’ I text him once I’m in the compound….’so r u going for the yong to fu?’ he replied. Yong Tow Foo is made from fish paste, stuffed it in the chilies, ladyfingers, egg plant, bitter gourd, tofu or in any vegetables or turned it into fish balls and fish sheets…taken it with soup or curry or on its own along with sauces…YUMMMY!

Back to the shoe hunting, well, I’m pretty fussy on shoes… I’d be looking at any wedges. Then, checking out the shoes’ design and colour.…it should be stylish, unique and yet simple. It also should make my legs sexy when I wear it ( :-D ) and of course, comfortable to walk in it too…lastly, it is affordable?

I’ve been going from one shop to another but none really catches my eyes...just a so-so and walked off. My feet was getting tired…I remember Naqi and Tenko once wondered how a woman can window shop for hours because they were flat out after a day’s outing

Guys, the secret is...it is in the mind! See here… see there…shop! shop! shop! And take it as a therapy... Hahaha XD

Finally I found two pairs of sexy wedges at Metro but bought one… (I wish I could have both). Anyway I am happy with what I got and off for the Yong Tow Foo.....yay! XD

How much love?

Life is never truly black and white -- there's always a gray area where things get a little messy.

In life, we are bound to be in pickled situations where we have to make difficult choices. We are bound to face a number of challenges from day to day but in the end, we find triumph and strength in knowing that we’ve made our best decisions, there are no mistakes and everything in life happens just as it should. Sometimes we beat up ourselves for making certain decisions, taking the risks, putting our dreams, friendships or family ties on the line

Life is about choices . . . and with all of our choices, there are circumstances.

My good friend decided to put aside his love because his grandfather opposed their relationship. I was really mad at him when he broke the news. His reasons for breaking up were not astounding as it should and I feel sorry for them since both are my good friends. I could only gave spiritual supports for them to pull through though I wasn’t sure if I did it right

As the time goes by, they move along and became best friends. ..Looking out for each other…making sure that the other half is doing ok and making the right choice in whatever decisions. This kind of sacrifice really disheartening me…I feel so so sad what they have to go through the onus of love. It is REALLY not fair.

Then how much should one sacrifice for love? Can someone sacrifice all life's worth of love? How instrumental is sacrifice in making a relationship work? How much more? How much more? How much love?