A guinea pig

I hitched a ride to the hospital with my dad who was on his way to Putrajaya this morning. Another medical check-up but with another medical department...I was referred to this section by my doctor for further test and diagnosed and I know it's going to be a loooong wait. It was 8 when I shoved my card at the reception, hoping I could jumped the que though my appointment was at 10. Didn't hang on at the lobby but instead went for my breakfast. A long walk to the cafeteria but I don't mind. Just passing my boring time at the moment. Bought myself a few magazines and a paper for reading. I usually spend RM25 on these whenever I'm here. Just to kill my boredom as I'm not the kind of person who loves to lounge around or watch TV while waiting to be called. Thats not Yuna. Hmmm...should suggest a cybercafe in the hospital. At least if I were to be hospitalised, you know..where I'd be gone during the recuperation.

Looking at the time, still too early. Walked to the garden and sat at the bench. Reading! Ring!Ring!Ring! another unknown caller! Funny...I've been receiving an unknown caller recently. It is quite annoying as I don't gives away my telephone number.
Y: Hello? (said me reluctantly)..
Sis: Hi! sis how are you? (It was my sister from Malacca)
Y: Oh Hi? I'm ok.. your name didn't appear (in my phone).. gives me a fright!
Sis: You sound different and terrible...are you alright?
Y: I'm at the hospital
Sis: Whatever for? Are you sick?
Y: Naw..just my medical appointment
She thought I was working today and requires an info to fax to her. Unfortunately I wasn't. It was a short conversation as we usually email to one another. Boredom set in again. Sent an SMS to GG...whatever!

Inside, I felt like a guinea pig. Yesterday I was a mouse. Today I'm a guinea pig! Changed into a white uniform. Whatever on me had to be removed. A thorough check-up and screening. Gave blood sample, urine sample..poked here and there, been swabbed and pressed here and there...whatever betul la! (sigh-ing)...Luckily they were lady doctor and nurses. I just could not take the shameless notion. Aargh! But yet.... "We'll see you in 4 months time!"

I just don't know what to say...speechless...clueless....an idiot! For the first time.. My brain can't think and thus has no say....Maybe it felt that it had been raped of dignity...Aww come on Brain..say something! HELP at least!

Like a zombie after getting the prescription, out I go to get a taxi home. My mouth was glued and my mind just wasn't there!

I love cheese anyway

GG and I were working together from the night into wee hours. It was good to occupied my time into doing something different last night. "Yuna, you may go to bed if you're sleepy" advised GG. You know..I'm not that type of girl who easily gives in when things are running high. Its in my blood. When given a project, I'm 100% into it. An interesting project...you bet 200%, my andrenaline is able to work overtime on the job. Hmm, GG if you had challenge me who would be turning in early...you bet I'll get the prize. We did that once before didn't we? Mr Cinderella! He's the brain child behind the project..I'm just his laboratory mouse on the other side. Testing this and that if whatever thingy is working. Well...Yuna being new in the internet exploration, fumbled here and there a lot! hahahahah...poor GG..he must be thinking...this mouse need to fed with a lot of cheese. Don't worry, G! Just fed me with the cheese...I love cheese anyway. It was 3:10 GG finally raised his white flag. The day's end with his satisfaction but not to the utmost. Project JT requires more presentation and topics but that can wait as he has already set the auspicious date.

Woke up early this morning. It was just a 3 hours sleep. Summoned for an early prayer and checked with the Cakapgold forum as usual. Hmmm...monotonous! I surrendered myself to bed. This time my mind was SO quiet..exhausted I guess..."Padan Muka!" (Served it right! in english). They said "Let the sleeping dog lie!"

It was 10:00 am and I was all alone. My parents left no messages. I think for the past 2 months, they've been monitoring my movements and involvements with whatever blogs, investments or whatever related with the internet...that I always wake up late on Saturday and Sunday morning. My mum usually nagged about it. Of late, no more. So to keep my name in their good book..hahaha...I do the cookings! What? You think I can't cook? I remembered when GG heard me saying for the first time "GG, I had to rushed home. I have to cook for tonight's vege dish" He laughed! "Yuna cook???" he was amused! I think all these while he had imagined The Summoner Yuna Braska as in Final Fantasy 10 or 10 part 2...and Yuna COOKS!!! Now...he no longer laughed about it but "what are today's menu?". My mum finally called in the late afternoon wondering if I had gone out and also informed me of their whereabout. Nowadays, I seldom go out. Conserving my energy as I'm easily tired. I think my daily medication is not as stable like before. Can't wait for next my medical appointment. I guess I need to arrange with Syed Izman, to send and fetch me to work daily until I'm ok. No joke! my back hurts too! Oh..man..what a set back!!!

I'm alright

Feeling blue! I hate it when I'm feeling blue...my tears will just appear at the corner of my eyes at any slightest sadness in me. Worse if I were to listen to any blue songs....the tears unshamefully flows out eagerly...Oh man..! I got to listen to my 'Wake Up' song, the "Calling" again and again until I regain myself.

I went to the office early today...can't sleep last night. It was 3:00am and my eyes still wide open....my head felt heavy...my mind was like talking and talking with my innerself..."Can't you please shut up for once! I am tired! Just too tired! I need my sleep!"

Listening to the "Calling" over and over and over and over again! My eyes focused on the hero, "Cloud", who was riding on his dynamite bike. Got to imagined what is like to ride, speeding off on that stretch and sing along until it absorbed the blue in me. Hey! it worked! I started my day by checking out the Cakapgold and then my blogs. Busied myself as usual, surfing! Almost noon..GG checked on me. Maybe he was eager to know on what I thought about his personal blog. Honestly I didn't have the time to read all. I was too messy last night...can't think straight! Maybe he was wondering how was I doing today...we had a looong chat after he got to know I was 'down n under below sea level' last night.

Happy Birthday, Noraini! Thank god as I almost forgot about this. It was 3:00pm...I knew I was missing something today. I can't believe that I left her birthday present at home. Told her the reason I went to Midvalley yesterday was to get her a birthday toy! hahahahaha...She's as jovial as ever! This time she doesn't mind to communicate via Instant Messenger. We chatted until 5:00pm....Her boss and my boss have gone abroad...so, thats fine in occupying our time for today.

"Yuna, are you ok now? Cause..we need to work" ...says my mind

"Let it rest for awhile baby...she need her Final Fantasy to bring her calms..." says my innerself

"I'm with you!" says my worned out fingers (from typing!!)

Long distance Hello (?)

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Y: Hello?

R: Yuna? It's that you? It's me!

Y: Me who? Identify yourself please (but I know who...my world is spinning..I don't want this!)

R: ....pause..(but I can hear him sigh).. It's Ron..Rizman!....pause again...

Y:...(can't say a word...grasping for air? choking? whatever can't think)

R: Yuna! I was just thinking...pause...of you today...I had to call

Y: And? (my tears just flowing down slowly...can't believe I'm talking ...with a ghost!)

R: I'm in Germany and bla..bla..bla..bla..and I met this malay family....pause...

Y: So? What does that got to do with me, Riz (aka Ronnie)

R: Are you crying? I'm sorry...pause...

Y: (Can't say a word)....silent...

R: Just thinking about you...pause...these years, Yuna

Y: And?

R: Please.., I don't know how to begin....pause ...or where to begin, girl. I don't know about you ....

Y: Whats about?

R: About us...I meant about us...hello? you there?

Y: I'm listening...Riz 2 years..what now Riz? (choking with words)

R: You sound angry, I don't blame you girl..(conversation cut in)

Y: Look, what exactly you want now? What do you want me to say Riz? You let me down!

R: Please..I know! I asked you to wait, I'm sorry Yuna ...I am Yuna

Y: Is that it? You're sorry? (Actually I want to hear him say the L words...because I wonder..Always...)

R: Maybe I (?).......Are you crying girl? I'm sorry Yuna

Y: I think you better go...I can't right now..I can't...not now...

R: o..k.. (softly spoken)..just calling ya..thinking about you ya...hmmm..I'm sorry...again

Click! .........................................................................................

It was just 10 minutes after I posted, "When You Believe" by Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston, at Cakapgold forum. Ronnie or Rizman (his malay name he chose himself) called unexpectedly. I was suprised and speechless. But yet I'm glad,.. just to hear his voice after 2 years...of exhile? disappearence? whatever? like going invisible...The thought of him..brought me back to yester years...an open wound which was left unattended.. I felt sadness engulfing my yearnings for.. or whatever...mixed feelings...that throughout our conversation, I just cried softly. I tried to hide the pain I endured these years with Ronnie and my sickness. The thought that he didn't even mentioned that he missed me or love me still...I just can't take it anymore. I felt angry...though he was sorry. We didn't say much..we still didn't say 'IT' (just now)...like we didn't said 'IT' back then. Did we blew it again? Honestly, I don't know if he ever call me again. It took him 2 years to convey whatever messages ...whatever you call it as stated above. Hmmm 2 years...

Wednesday fun day!

Not much to do today at the office. The Big Boss has flew to Teheran. The office is quiet. And before boredom creeping in, I busied with my blogs and posting some articles at Cakapgold.com forum. By doing so, I may have more free time surfing the internet tonight. I was reading a member's blog which was very interesting and full of good jokes when GG barged in. I was startled, didn't expect him to YM anyway. So we chat for awhile. I always enjoyed his company...full of surprises and at times he keeps me on my toes challenging my sanity. We're like cats and dogs and at times we're wolves howling at the full moon but whatever!

My friend, Noraini called 4 times today. She sounded angry. No...not at me. But at one blunder her office colleague has done today. She seek my opinion on what she should do to teach that unethical blunder person a lesson. Noraini has always many things to say. And she's a fast talker too...Oh my!my! It is best you keep your ears to the ground. Yeah, just listening! She hates with the Instant Messenger as typing is rather tiring, said she. Besides calling up...she sent me emails on the latest office gossips and some jokes.

She once said, "Yuna! during the Summit, you can eat as many times as you like at the ***** hotel. I will cover for you ha..ha..ha..!" Oh! I forgot to informed you that there will a Media Summit in Kuala Lumpur. Like every year I will voluntarily helping out the sister company. Got to meet and greet the VIPs from the locals and the International Organisations. Will be busy for 5 days. It will be fun but I'm already missing someone thinking of it.....

Fernand (legal officer) comes in showing a 'Peace' sign to me. Smiling! Always! In black and white, Always! Cheery face! Always! Stop for a short chat! Always! With the Korean, Always! Since his wife is a Korean...I guess he felt belonging and comfortable to mix with them. The Koreans are always grouped together. They hardly mix with others (?) Before he left (with the Korean again) the office, he said "Yuna! today I'm declaring that tomorrow shall be a public holiday in respect of the King's coronation day" he jokes. Well, we all know that since the big boss has already announced it last week. He only got to know it from me yesterday. Nice try, Fernand! Just gives me a good joke where I would be laughing my head off next time.

Inside Your Heaven By Carrie Underwood

Life

I don't know if you disagree with me or not. Well, read on.

Today I would like to focus on life. When we were borned...there must be a reason that we exist in this world. Combination of an XX and XY, developed into a single cell, divided into many, and then a foetus to which later born as a baby and a human being.

Here I am today standing on two feet in this world. A spinning world and goes around and around from east to west that also goes spinning around the sun's orbit. Life goes around that way too. Before life.....life.....after life...it applys to every life. Be it a short life or a long life. Be it in poor or rich. Good or Bad. Whatever!

We strive to live in this world. To live as most comfortable as we can. An adaptation. Reaching out and touching other life to be part of our circle or their circles. Whatever it is...a circle or a sphere of life.

And to live as a single life..going from one stage to another stage to be whatever in life... in the end is lifeless! whatever that be...

On the judgement days, the life circle will be unfold...flat! To be weighted. To be placed. To be assigned. Depends on our deeds. To be in heaven or hell. To be with Satan or to be with god and his holy men. To the disbeliever..to be whatever it may be (?) another recycle of life? Whatever that is...!

So look deep into yourself...it is about you...your life...your circle is still rolling until it STOP and becomes lifeless....Do you want to be inside the heaven? Eternity? where real life begins......

Today's catch

Today it is like catching up with whatever! Yeah..whatever....

1.GG caught up with me explaining the reason he left abrupty last night. I know GG that you were burned out and you know I hate it! So call it even ok...

2. My mum called ...yesterday we had a misunderstanding so we talked with open arms. Now mother and daughter's problem has solved. You know...it is not easy to be the 'Pillar of Strength' to everyone at home. My back is about to break!

3. A few ardent fans of my blogs...catching up with my latest news...ouch! Shall not expose too much the next time. "Hey! do your blog please..Yuna would love to read it!"

4. My 'Girl Talk' friend, Nur, with the good news on Nurfera effect with dengue fever. Her family is recovering. "Nur, Yuna hope to chat with you soon."

5. GG once again. He is love sick today, excuse me!...with his girl la...but Aiyoo....always fall with the same old tactic! hmmm ...so be it!

6. Catching up with my "Sifu", Suha! Another class to attend because "Curiosity kills the cat"
Sifu doesn't mind to handle this Ms Cat.

7. GG SMS..."Burned out!" Hei, Yuna too la...!

So goodnight everyone!

Reunion!

My long lost friend, Ayob, called me last Sunday about our class reunion that falls on the 21st April, 2007. Almost everyone will be there. But I've forgotten about it until he called once again last Wednesday.."Hello Yuna, aren't you coming?" Ayob wanted to catch up with lots of things with me...boy, he was pretty mad when I didn't attend his wedding. He's now a proud father of 5 months old baby boy. He usually run to me seeking my opinions and advises whenever he had problems. He added "My little boy gave me sleepless nights Yuna but its worth it..I'm still adjusting to it!" We laughed!

I don't know how to tell my mum yet about this reunion. I wanted to go desperately. I'd love to meet the gangs once again and see their progressment and how they have aged and fatten..ha..ha..ha..ha..Wow, I wonder how they will analyse me then..ouch! I SMS Ayob today but also with no promises yet. Told him about my dad been hospitalised. He got annoyed with my negativeness.."Yuna! ala...high tea la..or just drop by for a short period! You didn't even come to my wedding!" ..wow he STILL want to score that with me.

At Hotel Singgahsana, wow wee...what a reunion! Met the gals and the guys and some goons too. It was just a gathering with no frills and fancy welcoming. But very modest. We talk and talk and talk like our school days. Some brought pictures of their family. Me? Just me alone...ha...ha..that will do just yet. My classmates, Imran and Shah were there too. It was great to catch up with them. Shah asked me about Ronnie. So I sang a little part of "Da doo ron ron, da doo ron ron " by Shaun Cassidy. "Ha?" Shah was puzzled. Thats ok Shah, and I told him what had happened. Though Shah is married with 2 kids...he still kind of protective like before. The girls...the most noisy pots but with lots of jokes to go by. Hello, Sheena, Faizah, Jus and Hazlina! But my spent was short lived as I have to rushed home to fetch my family to the hospital. Anyway, next time people...next time!

Stop! to ponders

Life should be so simple. The way I see it. The way I want it to be. Sometimes we think, we wish, we dream and we hope of something we want it to be that way. Can we achieved it? If not, it was just a well wishes like "If only I could".

When I'm doing something...I do it sincerely. No question ask. I sacrifice my time and passion in it. "Sincererity" a word not many people understand it. The say "it" but can their heart follow or apply to "it" ?

To me;

• Sincererity is the food for my body and soul
• Passion is where my heart is
• Sweetness is my memory
• Sacrificial is my undivided time and love
• Security is my fortress
• Honesty is my best policy
• Friendship is my chain factor of life
• Love is my undying love for one
• Happiness is my entertainment
• Time is my spending life
• Freedom is my road to live
• Simplicity is the key to everything
• Final Fantasy is my calmings

Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Ending - The Calling

Final Fantasy's effect

When you are scared...where is your secret hiding places? Mine, anywhere anytime my Final Fantasy. The only places I'd go to ease my whatever pain and whatever that is frightening. I just listen to their music or watch any of their video clips at YouTube. My world from whatever turmoil warps into another Fantasy world. It is the only world I know that soothes and calm me. Some how it gives me strength to a new day. Strange? It works for me.

In fact right now, I'm listening to 'The Calling' from the Advent Children. I don't mind listening to it over and over again until I'm fully recover. Strange? Maybe different people have different ways of regaining their strength and spirit. I do pray and seek guidance through his path. But I still need a 'Sounding" effect for a miracle energy that I need. If only you would understand.

You think I'm day dreaming? Perhaps? But Final Fantasy worlds ....I'm able to relate so much. Hey! I am Yuna am I not? I rest my case.........

Get well soon

It was a hectic day today. We (my mum, grandma and I) had been going up and down to the hospital today, besides a few stops to buy some necessities. My dad was hospitalised. Very exhausted indeed but I'm glad he's ok now. "Dad, I wish you a speedy recovery! God speed!"

Thank you, GG!

Reminising back my involvement with Cakapgold forum.

It is almost 2 months now I befriended with GG. Four months ago I don't know much about internet working. To me it was just surfing for something or was just looking for a reliable program that makes money online. Totally on my own. No guidance at all. How naive! Didn't know any on local and international community or whatever marketing strategies. How silly! But being me...maybe I'm a bit strong headed and a go getter person....I pursued and ventured into that line. Yes, ALONE! I'm a loner anyway. How bold am I!

Until one day I came across Cakapgold.com at Googles. "Hey, isn't the word 'Cakap' is a malay language?" I was curioused, so I clicked. Yes it is! A local forum. During that time I didn't know there are many local forums existed. ha..ha..ha..ha..How stupid I was! Really! Well, thats the price for being a loner. I didn't think twice to become a member. At least I feel at home and no longer feel alone anymore. I got excited everday posting remarks and whatever stories in there. It was fun! Totally fun! My most favourite charactor in that forum was Pringles! His messages was short, sweet and funny. He makes me laughed. I always looking forward for any of his postings. Yes, until today. I like his attitude.

Also during that time I wasn't aware of the ranks given in that community. Until I was one of the top poster in the Cakapgold forum. So what? I was just having fun posting funny remarks.Then I began to understand the internet business are about. Risky business...Scam..ponzy...Be the first or the earliest in the internet investment..autosurfing..and whatever. To which later I realised that communication was SO important in the internet thingy and began to update whatever it should plus registering to Yahoo Messenger. And WOW! a number of fellowmen and girls contacted me...being a top poster...I think, they thought I'm one of the gurus...Oh please...that was so embarassing!

Anyway that was how I got to know GG. In the end we became good friends. Through him..., maybe I should thank him for his guidances, support, advices, his patience and companion during my hard times. I understand your sacrifices you have showered me dear. Yes, GG I am so obliged and honoured.

Foolish game

Gotcha!

I don't know where to start or how to start. Ok let's put it this way. I feel like a fool, perhaps an idiot. Or had I been played or whatever.

I was working on my blog...the more blogs you have...the busier you become. That's my mission...working on my blogs!. Other mission, helping out GG with his "whatever" stuff. I received Matte Syed's email yesterday...asking if I'm with him for the "Gold Pot" mission. He's a Malaysian but lives in Canada...wonder when will he ever comes back to his homeland. Anyway been telling him about GG's new interest and thus seeking him and his buddies' supportmentship. Hmmm..can't wait to tell GG about it.

Yeah, wait! While waiting for GG, I had quite a number of fellowmen eager on getting to know me. Kind of distraction when your mind is working on something. GG's male bestfriend has been entertaining me last night. (or was it just a diversion made by these duo?) Hmmm...he has never been in such a jovial mood before. He's happy because he finally got in touch with his x-girlfriend. Oh well, I'm happy for him at least he took his steps to rebuilt his long lost relationship with his girl. Unlike GG still hung up with his ex. X-file? Whatever GG, like Yuna has said it before, it is your call. To be or not to be..you have to make your move to pursue. But whatever!

So been waiting,...and waited...and waited...and waited..SMS and calls that I've make...and waited...and waited...and waited....and waited...like I'm whatever. It is not nice to be kept waiting. It is not a gentleman neither to keep a lady in waiting. Infact it is so disrespectful. Not again!!!! In the end it was so late in whatever. Whatever it may be. He didn't get it. He thought I would be waiting for his goodnight trademark...oh please...,then gave me whatever songs perhaps to make up with me...oh please GG,...and that 'girls' are like these..so emotional and confused...oh please,....Oh man...is he for real? "GG oi,...just go to sleep and let it be....maybe tomorrow it will knock some senses in you"

I hope you enjoyed your waiting game you played. For I , I didn't enjoyed it ...not one bit!

Anyone out there...would you do that to your friend? What about your bestfriend?

Thank you. Roger and out!!!

Relief and Free!!!

I feel relief and free today. She was just too open...too honest and sincere. We hardly contact each other but if she did, It would be a loooong one. I've been keeping this blueness all to myself...all bottled up and waiting to be open. But I can't. To whom shall I turn to ya? I need a girl-to-girl talk. Not a girl-to-mom talk...because are are things I wouldn't want my mum to know...also I can't be telling all to my bestfriend, GG neither. Turning to my cousins? What a joke. She loves to send an unrelated info to me..you may say more like a spam job. I told her if she does that at the forum,I'd give her some knocks for spamming! But that does not keep me from chatting with her. A homemaker but a business minded woman.

Today we had a loooong chat. I pushed all my works at hault today. And as for me, I'm still hiding under Yuna Braska's name though I'm sincere but not that open like her. She told me everything from her haydays right to the present days. Her dad...her mom..her children..her past boyfriends...her beloved husband. Her dedication and sacrificial towards her family, religion and god. I'm really amazed and awed over her openess. Can I do that?

I seek for her opinions and advises today. The burden I'm carrying it with me. The fault I'm feeling blue. The picture I cannot foresee and the truth that my heart was crying these days. She gave me courage and broke the chain that clamped my feet from moving on. I thanked her and said "I LOVE YOU NUR!" Without her guidances I wouldn't realised it was not too late "whatever" (our secrets conversation...sorry) yet. I'll try her alternative suggestions. After blurting out "whatever" girl talk we had this afternoon for more than 3 hours!!. Nur, a caring mother and wife. Yuna salut you my dear. Thanks for everything.

Ok, back to Yuna's mode! Yippee!!!!

Hellooooo! I'm back!

Too tired

To post or not to post, that is the question! I am too tired now, running some personal errands and posting a number of blogs, posting for Cakapgold forum, entertain some YM friends, checking my emails and mybloglog and a new website to check-out. Then I realised, I haven't been updating Yuna's Sphere. I wonder if I can go on finishing this before I go to bed. Gosh!! I am so damn tired already. It is now 1:20 am and I'm still engaging with my bestfriend online. We're both checking out the forum's community and articles we sent via gmail....yeah also chatting away...I'm going to tell him that I'm calling in for today. Yeah, tonight Yuna is going to ask for her missing glass slipper instead of him. I'm just tired dear, mentally and physically tired.

Today is quite an interesting day. Would like to penned some words and share it with you for my today's journal.
But I guess not today dear. I'm too pooped! Too tired. I'm sorry........

A day with Yuna

My heart beats faster of late. Any smallest approach whether in sound and sight, I startled easily. At times it makes me harder to breath. Breath slowly girl....I think I need to slow down for a while, whatever I'm doing. Maybe its the new medicines which were prescribed recently. There are 2 kinds of pills for my blood pressure(?). My next appointment is next month (I think). If I can't stand it, I'll go to my family doctor. Don't want my mum to worry so much.

A long-time friend called me this afternoon, it was great to chat with him! I didn't expect him to call anyway. Just yesterday he asked for my number which I hesitant to give as it is my principle not give away my number to anyone...more like my privacy. But I know he is a nice fellow. It was very funny when I asked him the reason he wanted it. Gave me silly answer and I think he was out of words....didn't expected that I'd be very selfish ha! He said; "You are sick Yuna..who knows..well I... why can't you? We're friends?" I laughed out loud...he's a funny fellow right from the day I got to know him who loves grosteque picture to potray his image but actually its the other way round...ha..ha..ha..ha..A very jovial person indeed. Thank you for calling Suha. Btw, I overheard your friends were teasing you on the other side. Do they know who is Yuna?

This morning as I was about to leave for work when my phone went Beep!beep! beep! "Wei! Wake up". I guess it is a signal that his boredom at the hospital has started to creep in. He is getting restless and eager to be discharged. We SMS to kill his boredom. I remember my days at the hopital. Those days, no friends to SMS, actually I'm not keen in doing so as I preferred being alone. I usually read magazines..then sleep..read..sleep...read...sleep.. and watched TV untill I fell asleep. It goes on like that for days until I'm discharged. GG thanked me for supporting him today. Well, what are friends for la....I know what it is like all alone at the hospital...but hey! didn't he had a good time with the nurses? Hmmm....very naughty GG! very naughty! ha..ha..ha..ha...

Focus

I haven't been playing games (PS2) for quite some times. The last time was a month ago. I was stuck at Phone Coast with my FF12. Frustration sucked in. I bought another CD and the result was the same. Played Resident Evil 4 for awhile. Instead of Leon, I took Aida Wong's role. She's a tough cookie to play with due limited weapons and ammunition but her flying kick was like a death penalty. Wuhoo! go girl! I pited Leon though, as a government agent....his story line was full of double crossing, dagger in the back, got inffected to safe the President's daughter who in the end (at another RE episode) became a zombie herself....poor Leon all the trouble he had to endure.

When I'm glued to a subject, I gives 100% attention to it. It becomes a passion. And I cannot do without it in a day. When I was playing Final Fantasy, I can even played from wee hours in the morning and ended at the next day's wee hours . Paused the game to bath, eat and drink...and of course..when you have to go, you really have to go. Stop when my eyes are really really tired and needed some sleep. I remember those days I played a 3 days stretch as I wanted to finish it. Food? Called Domino pizza..no cooking ha..ha..ha.. that easy and thats how fanatic I was with the Final Fantasy! But at work, no one knows the other side of my life but two colleagues. All my secret codes and passwords at the office were related to FF. You name it..Tidus Yuna Gunblade Squall Rinoa Chockobu Rikku Wakka and many more. But in the year 2004, I so crazy with Smallville. Imagine, the database for Hanoi's registration's password was either Smallvile, Clark Kent, Superman or "somebody safe me" ha..ha..ha.. I think the authorised Vietnamese personnel are having fun opening the database too. But those were the days. At present I'm so attach with blog.

My passwords with the internet world are all related to FF, the numbers or whatever are FF. FF games offer with the secret codes, secret hidding places and objects have taught me to become one. In this virtual world, I am what I am but I am not what it seem or seen. Wuhoo! go girl! That is really fun.

Maybe all these games and fantacising, has taken me away..so much away that I think not of any problems. I took my life the easy way. I don't bother so much with the outside world. To me, my PS2, my room, my home is my domain. That was my life back then. But now, I'm back living with my parents...all has changed. I was pushed away from my selfish world. I was struggling to fit in, in the world where you have to make and give attention to others as well. I have to commute and to spend quality time with real people who cares and who loves me.

Yuna, it is about time anyway. To focus more on your real life. Just live well baby....you'll make it!

My heart is crying

I don't know when I'm going to get over this. Trying to pull myself out of the blue. Been crying since last week. No, not that I'm crying like mad and all the time. My heart is crying ever since I got the news from my doctor. I'm trying to get better...diligently take my medication everyday...to be nearer to god...spiritually towards positive thinking...and spend more time with my beloved family and friends. The circle I've made that I'm looking after, perhaps a solution to one obstacle in my life. I'm determine to go further than that. But my heart is crying still. It is like I'm breaking into two. The good and the bad. In me, I know I'm fighting so hard. I look fine and happy but if you see at the corners of my eyes there are trickle of tears. If I personally touch someone, my tears will just flow out. Like when I talked with my lady boss recently about my job, my personal life and work, my family, my friends, my new interest, my health, about me and her...like I'm missing something. She handed me tissues when she saw me trying hard to hold back my tears but I just grabbed her and hugged her. Actually trying to tell her how I missed those days' friendship. I've shun myself too long whatever friends and family around me. Yet I'm not looking back anymore. Told her I'm moving along fine with my new interest and hopefully I see the light in that direction.

All these...I think the word is FREEDOM. I don't want to get involve nor attache. I just want to GIVE to anyone whom I trust and sincere and respect me as what I am today. When I'm free, I realise I can go further. I think better. I work better. I decide better and I'm happy that way. I see the world a different way...more giving and better living. I have no worries.

But deep inside me my heart is still crying. Why Yuna? Any sad news..I'll cry. The quiet kind of crying. Any mishap, I'll cry. Others who are in pain, I'll cry. I just pause and look at the people I care, I'll cry. Any sad songs, I'll cry. Why Yuna? But you won't see me crying. It's my heart. That is the bad part of me I think. Still struggling. When your heart is not where it should be...I think that is trouble. I don't know what it is, like no Machalania wood is going to calm me neither Tidus' kiss. What is it? I think the answer is with god. I must find that answer. Maybe here on earth at present, I see the light but the afterlife? Is that the reason my heart is still crying?

I really have no answer.........

Intuition

It was a strange night, that night. Too quiet. But I had a lot to do to finish my "Yuna!whatever!" blog. I remember you said "To be serious and concentrate in my work". Yet my heart was telling something was wrong but I try not to call nor to text. I feel alone and so cold. Why dear? But I'm still fighting, to give you some space to recuperate and rest. I respected you knowing the ordeal you had that afternoon. I felt like it was the longest night ever.

This morning I woke up to see if you have left messages but none. How strange? It is still not like you. "Yuna, something is no it right!". But no, he never send any messages in wee hour unless it is damn important or alarming. I know him so. I still felt uneasy. What is wrong?

Ok got to go to work.

In the afternoon, picked up my phone and text "Dear r u ok?" but canceled. Whatever, Yuna! I think you should be resting as you slept 2:30am last night. A quarter to two, I login to Cakapgold forum to listen to a comical song "Dikir Ortoman" and some dedication songs.

In the evening..."WOW too quiet!" This can't be...Something IS wrong with him.

Best I'll check messages before I text or call him... "What happened dear?"

Then my phone went beep! beep! beep! I know it must be him..who else anyway.

I should have followed my intuition last night. He gave me a mission to work on tonight and the news he has been warded. How sad. I was even sadder when I heard Marc Anthony singing My Baby You. Oh brother!

I just text him SSSSSSSSSS(Sad). He replied that he's alright. He knows how to say sweet words, telling not to worry though he's not. GG, stop kidding yourself...you are sick man... for once, get a good rest and take a proper medication!

About me

Thank you for reading my blog. To those who are not familiar with Final Fantasy which I usually use in my blog to create a story, I have been using names from my favourite PS2 games Final Fantasy 7, 8 & 10 hero like Cloud, Squall and Tidus and heroines like Rinoa and Yuna. Perhaps once I've finished with Final Fantasy 12 game...I might add more hero and heroine from this game to spice up this blog. I've seen the trailer from the latest Final Fantasy 13 and I can't wait to get hold on to PS3.

But Ronnie, GG and others are real persons who have touches my life and have inspired me to write whatever experiences I shared with them.

My happy days, darkest days, solitary days and some insight of me...just a view to my window, the person I am today. I am a very simple person who appreciate simplicity in all manners. To some might find me odd and snobbish but I am not. My world is carved, shaped and protected by my beloved family and friends. Friends that are mostly base on trust, sincererity and respect. I usually don't expect any in returns but just by being true friend is good enough.

I' m quite an adventurous person who love to explore but yet I am a shy person who is afraid of the unknown in front of me. I can be meany if I want to but only when provoked or offended. I'm a quiet person who prefers privacy most of the time. One hardly sees me in the crowd unless I have to. One hardly sees me mingling among the guys if not related to. One hardly sees me talking unless I have to. One will hardly sees my weakness unless you are really close to me.

Have a nice day!

Superb Man!

I am back in action. Last week , I was on medical leave for 3 days and in blue for 2 days and worse was when I came to work last Friday, my PC was without CPU. Ha? Duh? What is happening? The IT guys said that I'm going to have a new CPU. I was bored sick that Friday. Hmmm... I should have taken the whole week off...ha..ha..ha.. what a joke! But anyway...wuhoo...I'm able to do my work, internet connection and online now. Best part is, I'm able to hear YouTube. Well I'll be discreet about it during office working hours.

I woke up this morning get online plus checking the forum. Just a quick lookie before starting for the day. Received worrying messages from dearie. He is totally sick!! Eeeeeee totally helpless from my side. He is quite a stuborn man who thinks he's a superman. Stuborn superman!!! I think he enjoy seeing me screaming from the other end. Yeah..we're like this! sharing too many things and secrets... at times we pull at each other's hair, screaming at each other's throat, playing lovey-dovey or go crazy but always...always...on good terms. We enjoy each other's company. That' s my best friend GG!!

GG, got your SMS this afternoon. I was worried sick too. Next time, do listen to Dr. Yuna..ha..ha..ha.."Hey! are you NUTS! You are no Superman but just a Superb Man!" Take care of your health dear! What are we if both are down and out ya?

Yuna, dance please!

Hello? Yuna, dance please!

She began to do some sort of dance on the water. Tidus didn't know what was going on at the time. The pyreflies were all over the place. Then the waves got rough and the torches of fire turned blue! Yuna perform the Farplane Send-Off for those that had died in the attack.

Yeah...right now imagining myself dancing like she did, healing my innerself. Sending off the negative mood to the Farplane. I was in a sombre mood since last night. I can't sleep that I keep busy with my blog until my body gives in to rest. Though I closed my eyes, my mind was reading back those messages repeatedly. How to put my brain to rest? Pulled my comforter closer to my neck cause spiritually I was feeling blue. I looked around my room. I want to close all doors...yes all doors that lead to Yuna. Then, I received his messages saying he was so sorry if he has offended me. I finally laid to rest.

My cousins called if I want to joined them for F1. They got free tickets at the grand stand. I'd love to go to kill whatever I was feeling this morning. But I know I wouldn't enjoy it one bit. My heart was not with F1. Received an SMS: "Wake up".

My mum was like.."Yuna, your room is in a mess! what's wrong with you girl!"....but I wasn't listening. I have a few minutes before he goes offline. We need to fix things back...listening to the song he left, I was crying so hard this time especially at the song "I can't hate you anymore". Dear...me too!

Today, I just want to stay calm and continue my ritual dance until everything is alright.

Left in the dark

When you befreind a popular person...so be warned and beware. You'll be always left in a confused state on mind. When I was with Ronnie...our relationship was like fire. It happens so fast and we became a couple but we hardly meet or date. But we talk and talk and talk every night expressing our longings. It was a wonderful feelings at first. At college we briefly met and acted as we're just friends. We stole some few moments as we walked close by to say I miss you and I love you...and sometimes briefly holding hands. Him being the head of college prefect, teachers' favourite student and many college projects involvement...Yuna knows many girls are after his personal attention. From a far I can see that his eyes were always on me. Whenever I'm in the library..he took the chances to meet. Many times he said that I'm the one. Wait for me Yuna! As time goes by, I cannot wait any longer..I cannot pretend any more. It was no fun anymore being left in the dark. I don't want to be "I'm the one" to be left unattended or attended as he pleases or whenever he's free. I want my freedom but to break away was really hurtful. Him having trust in me to only love him and assured me to be patience enough to hold onto our love. Ronnie, there was no one but you when I left. I was so confused...I felt unlove and not wanted when you left me too long. Well...I got back my freedom.

When again you befriend a popular person, I have to be well prepared myself not to be in the same state again. I've draw the line making it clear that whatever friendship we have...it will be just it. Yes, we hit like fire. Yes, talk every night. Yes, we are close enough to trust each other. Yes, he's an ever oh so busy fella. Yes, he has my attention. But no, I don't want that dejavu anymore. It is not fun anymore to be left in the dark to whatever statement I'm confused at. Having him trust in me and assured me that no one has ever known him like I do. Well, GG I'm totally confused..how do you want me to take you? You want my attention but you also don't want too much attention. Hey, I was not and am not carried away even though we treated each other as bestfriends. I still have my feet firmly on the ground dear. If you think that it is too much...I might want back my freedom.

Whatever it is, don't you see the same pattern I'm getting involved in? Though with a different scenario, whatever it is...it hurts.

Whatever positive mood I have left

Last night was the hardest time I had to open up myself. To release my frustration. My heart was fighting to give in and not to give in. I cried but a little and I know the other part of me was so stubborn...that part of me who always come forward whenever there's a battling or a dilemma inside me, telling me that I'm capable of handling whatever on my own. Always! Also that there are a number of people whom I know who sees me as a pillar of strength as I'm always under control ....in whatever!

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, I felt vulnerable...and the thought of myself being so vulnerable.. hurting myself in many ways...hurting my friends...my parents...whoever I know of. I recall the appointment I had yesterday with my doctor. A very tough news I had to face foreseeing me leading to nowhere that I cried. Let go Yuna...I don't know if I hate myself or just an energy which is bursting out of me. I felt so terrible and I really hate this kind of moment ...cry as much as I wanted. Eeeeeeeee yeah, I hate it! How many times must I cry ha? Keep holding on..playing in my head...Eeeeeeeeee stop please!

Went to work this morning...with whatever positive mood I have left. My head ...is pounding like mad due to not enough sleep. I'm going to keep myself busy. I have new mission to do to which I'm looking forward to. Maybe today will be alright. As I reached the office...I was like 'DUH?' ...where is my CPU? They said that I'm going to get a new CPU and thus need to reinstall & configure. Oh man..just when I thought my day would be alright. I was left with 'emptiness' (zero) once again......

Zero

When she's down and sorrow, where would Yuna go and hide. She goes to Machalania woods' pool. Yuna knows Kimari will be nearby watching over her. Her faithful guardian.

When I feel down and sorrow, where would I go ? I wish there's such place as Machalania woods. Ah.. Yes, Eucalyptus Woods...! But where on earth you can find one but in New Zealand! I wish I were there now...the Eucalyptus scent surround me and the serence of lush green trees on the mountain top...I think that is heaven. I don't mind spending everyday there away from the materialistic world and search for a pool of water like Yuna did at Machalania woods to bring her calm.

I guess I'm lucky that there are people who cares and watches over me when I'm feeling zero. Yeah...Zero! Meaning emptiness. Have you ever feel like "nothing" ....whatever!

Tidus said that I should cry as much as I want tonight. And that there's more than zero in life. Let go of the emptiness that drags me down and be free again. What is Yuna without her freedomness?

Hmm...I want to go to the pool now and sit there to watch the sunset untill the night comes and moonlightning. I'm crying......

Squall dear, get well soon!

We are sick! ha..ha..ha..both Squall and Yuna are down for today. I am feeling fine but my left knee is swollen, so yuna is immobile for this week. My dear Squall is down with fever. We both got medical leave for today.

Poor Squall, Yuna tried to cheer him up but I think he is so "poop" to stay alert for our nightly meet. Yet he has dedicated 2 songs for me. Thanks Squall! "Poop" or not...you are always what you are. I think his mission is to make sure I'm happy and smiling before the days end. You're very caring dear...what can I do without you? My life is full of fun and laughter now. All because of you. Honestly! Nowadays, I laugh at the slightest joke or remarks. I've change and I'm happier. But I'm still have one more obstacle in my life. No...not Ronnie. He is history though at certain times I let myself drifting thinking of him. Just thinking...nothing more.

My main obstacle is the sickness I've been carrying for 2 years...hmmm...going to be 3 years if not mistaken. That is the tragedy of my life. The pain and sickness has turned me around to be a melancholy person and episode of darkness looms over me as if I don't care if I die instantly. Yes! the words are "I don't care", "whatever", "So be it!", "So what?" and my ignorance has shot up to the highest point of no return. Though I've been surrounded with the people who loves me and cares...I still find myself in solitute. I don't want anything to do with life. I just want to go. I just want to do whatever I want to do...though I'm afraid and alone.

Somehow I think god loves me and gave me the light through this fine man who somehow is also seeking a friend to share his loneliness, frustration, effection...someone he could trust and talk to. Yes, someone whom he can openly talk with. Vice-versa...same with me. A world of our own....shedding away the dark clouds over our heads. So that we can move forward and reach our goals of life easily. My trade mark "Whatever" once a doom's word has now changed to a comical word. Squall has changed too...I believe so. I hope our frienship will last forever! Whatever Squall...whatever! ha..ha..ha..ha...Smile Please.... :D

Squall dear, get well soon!

Keep holding on - Avril Lavigne

Keep holding on, Yuna!

I'm up and ready to go. And ouch! suddenly I felt the pain on my left knee cap. I've been trying to focus to have a positive mind this week. The wind of change...I want to get better....I can fight this...I want to stay happy.

There're some differences between Yuna's from Final Fantasy part 2 than the FF2. Take a lookie at her picture on the left. Shorter hair, jesty and more vibrant. Two years have passed since Sin was destroyed and Tidus vanished in thin air. Still, Yuna senses something is missing... Then, one day, her former guardian Rikku comes to Besaid and shows Yuna a movie sphere. The recording is of him, Tidus. Or is it? Yuna can’t tell whether it’s him or just someone who looks like him. “Let’s go look for more clues!” If it is him, Yuna might be able to see him one more time. If not, Yuna will probably never see him again. No matter what the truth may be, the answers she finds may change things forever. Yuna begins another journey.

Perhaps I should shift and focus myself to the new Yuna. Just as Avril Lavigne sang in her "Keep Holding On".....Keep holding on. Cause you know I'll make it through, I'll make it through. Just stay strong.....I'll fight and defend!

Oh whatever it is, I'll stay focus and be positive. I won't give in....not just yet. Dear, god..I'm here for you. I wish for a simple happy life until the day you accept me to your everlasting garden of life. Amen.

My first love

Have you ever been kissed? Seems like the hardest question I've been asked but yet it is a simple question. It depends how a person accept the perception of it...be it an innoccent kiss or vice versa.

My first love. I cannot denied...yes I've kissed my first love. Tell me about your first love? The tremendous loving feeling and over whelming longings. The first love which sound so irreplaceble. Be it he or she...someone's first love is uncomparable to any other love. It was our first and the last kiss before he left to UK. Leaving your first love behind to pursue a dream, the most unbearable feeling you have to weight on your shoulder. To sealed with a kiss...is that good enough to seal your love once and for all?

But now its gone. And I still remember that brief kiss which took away the pain I had to endure knowing or perhaps it was not meant to last forever. I took that brief chances before I may never have that chances again.
The truth......I can just be his first love as me to him. I thank him for sharing with me his kindness and his lovingness in the past. I wish there's more than these...to last.

At present, I just hold on to sweet memories....I know he love me dearly. But faith has taken us away. I am so sorry....so so sorry.....(pause)